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It often occurred to me to go to a doctor, but by the time I would get off the toilet, the urgency had subsided. I was dating at the time, and because there was no chance in hell that I was going to explain to my dates what was going on, I would surreptitiously remove the paper seconds before sex. I found a colorectal surgeon, a Jew (which is how I pick my doctors in a city that has too many) named Stephen Brandeis. I go to the check-in area and have a half-hour argument with the woman behind the desk about whether I have a referral. We know what you’ve been through.”I finally make it to the waiting room.

At a place like that, you shouldn’t have to go through that kind of trouble. There is no waiting room like the one for a colorectal surgeon.

In fact, sitting on the toilet for long lengths has probably made me the person I am today. They form inside the rectum and tend to hang down and peek out until they’re physically, unceremoniously, forced back in. I called my dad and asked, “Have you ever had hemorrhoids? I’m surprised the waiting room isn’t filled with empty chairs and people standing, looking forlornly at the seats. I was told to drop my pants, put my knees on the outcropping, and lean over the bench and relax.

The seat is comfortable; no one can talk to me; I can relieve stress in multiple ways; I can concentrate. However, no matter what condition each person has, you know it’s in their ass. Inside, there seems to be a standard bench, but this one has a outcropping to place your knees on.

After all, I have always taken my time on the toilet. In the waiting room for a colorectal surgeon, that remains the case. Apparently my self-diagnosis was absolutely correct. This news strengthens my hypothesis that I am right about 95 percent of the time.♦◊♦We go into the actual room where the magic happens.

Reading the entire series on the toilet—twice—was probably not entirely responsible. In other doctors’ offices, you aren’t sure what condition each person is suffering from.

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